Yep, I'm going there - I'm going to tell you unwanted explicit details about my sex life.
Did you ask for it? No.
Am I going to talk about it anyway? Yes.
Because you know what - when I was a teenager navigating my way through the world of sex, porn and dating I felt like there was no one I could connect with.
I was a fat girl that loved sex.
And society taught me those two things could never coexist.
The media always depicted fat girls as un-fuckable.
Which in reality is 100% false - us fat girls are fuckable, sexy and we enjoy a good fuck.
That is why I decided to share my thoughts, feelings and concerns about sex because we are in desperate need of a plus size woman’s perspective.
So word of warning to all my relatives, people I didn't like in high school, acquaintances, strangers on the internet - you are going to read some things that may be *GASP* controversial and explicit.
So don't say I didn't warn you.
So without further ado here are some of the thoughts I have during sex as a fat girl.
1. Great so we're making out, awesome. I wonder what he's gonna grab first? It'll either be my butt or tits. I bet it'll be the tits.
2. He better not touch my hair, took me FOREVER to create this messy bun that looks effortless but really it took 20 minutes to perfect.
3. Yep I was right he grabbed my tits first. I didn't grow them for nothing.
4. Anddddddd..... the clothes come off. Thank the lord I'm wearing something that's not too hard to get out of. Yet another reason I don't wear jeans.
5. Fuck is he going to say something about my belly rolls? Surely he already knows I'm fat. Dammit why did I put that pillow on my lap to cover my belly when we were on the couch.
6. Okay awesome I don't see any shock horror on his face. He knows I'm fat. He knew this before he took my clothes off.
7. I wonder if he thinks I didn't plan for us to have sex tonight? Like dude I'm wearing matching bra and panties, everything is shaved and I'm wearing waterproof mascara.
8. Man he wants to take my bra off already. That thing cost me $70. Lingerie for fat women that isn't beige isn't cheap.
6. Oh god he's going to try and take my bra off himself. He's not going to be able to do it.
7. Annddddd.... he's still going.
8. Still going.
9. I wonder what there's to eat for dinner.
10. Ooooooh maybe I'll get Uber Eats. No but I really need to save money as rego is coming up. BUT I'll be supporting local businesses. I'll be helping the economy.
11. Maybe I'll get Guzmen Gomez.
12. Jesus christ is he still going? Okay, I'm going to have to do it myself.
13. Bloody hell that entire time he's managed to get one hook off. Dude for the duration of the time it took you to unhook one clip I planned my entire dinner.
14. Anddddd.... the condom is on and now we're fucking.
15. Anddddd... already my boob has smacked me in the face. I wonder if he saw that.
16. Oh god he's grabbed my belly roll. What the fuck? Does he like it? Is he disgusted by it? Is he trying to put it away? Does he think he can fold it like a napkin and hide it? Trust me fella I've tried and it doesn't work.
17. Okay he needs to move us into the middle of the bed 'cause I'm worried this thing is going to break.
18. Nope he's still not realising half of the bed in nearing closer and closer to the floor.
19. I think I'm going to just have to tell him we need to be in the middle of the bed.
20. Awesome, bed is saved, now I can get back to it. If the bed breaks will he think it's because I'm fat? Or will he think it's hot? And most importantly - do we keep going if it breaks or do we stop?
21. Dammit! He wants me on top. Look I get it you get a great close up view of boobs bouncing but my several chins will be on display, do you know I have several chins?
22. Meh he doesn't seem to care. I think he's just happy to be this close to boobs. Boobs are awesome.
23. Dammit now my boobs hurt from bouncing. They keep smacking my belly.
24. I wonder what he'll think if I pause to put the fan on. It's bloody hot and I'm worried I'm sweating all over my clean sheets.
25. Holy shit I just realised my dog is still at the end of the bed and she is starring at me. I wonder if she knows what I'm doing. Is she judging me?
26. Dammit she won't go away.
27. I could really use some water right now. There should be water breaks during sex sessions like they have during half time.
28. I wonder if he noticed my razor burns on my inner thighs.
29. Thank the lord for waterproof mascara because it's still hot in here even with the fan now on. Damn you Australian Summer.
30. Dammit I got the worst cramp in my leg right now.
31. Would he judge me if I told him my leg is cramping in this position. Why do I worry so much?
32. I wonder if he thinks I'm lazy because my favourite positions involves me laying down.
33. Maybe if I raise a leg he'll see I'm putting in effort too. I may not get the gold medal but I'll at least get the participation medal.
34. Is he done yet? Ready to finish this up now. I came, I saw, I'm ready for this to be done, I have things to do.
35. Ugh my boobs feel so sweaty underneath.
36. Why do guys love 69? I already struggle doing two things at once in my everyday life.
37. I'm worried my butt is squishing him.
38. How am I not squishing him? I'm literally just planking right now on top of him.
39. Why is my dog still starring at me. She's definitely judging me right now.
40. Andddd..... we're done.
41. Ugh so much sweat I need a shower. But bed so comfy.
42. Surprisingly I don't care that all my rolls and stretch marks are on full display. He's seen it all now.
43. Where the water at?
44. That's nice he wants to spoon and all but I stink of sweat. We're gonna stick like velcro.
45. Mmmmm.... I can probably order some UberEats soon.
* Before I get some weird messages from exes or previous hookups, these thoughts are a generalisation of thoughts I have had with several partners. It's not always about you Brandon.