I Had A Toxic Relationship With My Smartwatch

**This story discusses disordered eating and weight loss. If this article is triggering please contact The Butterfly Foundation national helpline at 1800 33 4673.**

At some point in the not so distant past, a human-being seemingly unsatisfied with the convenience of their smart phone decided they wanted to make their life easier and create a smartwatch.

While I'm sure we can all admire their obvious want to not leave the couch to get the phone they unintentionally left lying on the kitchen bench - smartwatches have become the ultimate tool for toxic diet culture.

They don't just show you messages, phone calls, and all your favourite apps; they can track your heart rate, movement, steps, and even calories - yes, even calories.

In our current social climate, thinness is valued over body positivity (let alone neutrality), so the aforementioned unsatisfied human made an excellent move if his intention was to fatten his wallet.

He validated a widespread need to know how hard we are trying to reach such highly valued and unrealistic thinness.

Charlotte Howard admits she had a toxic relationship with her smartwatch.

A few years ago, while dating an exceptionally confident (slightly narcissistic) woman, l became the kind of person l never imagined l would become… a keep-fit-fanatic.

After 25 years of almost exclusively eating junk food and drinking wine on the couch, l started going for runs, seeking out incidental exercise, and regularly attending the gym.

This was partly because I finally had spare time after slogging through a four year university degree while managing full-time working hours.

But mostly it was because I was in a relationship with a partner who validated my internalised self hatred and only provided positive affirmation when it was about my attractiveness (aka. thinness).

For our first Christmas as a couple, she contributed some money so l could buy a smartwatch to track my workouts - more specifically the runs I would go on at-least twice a week.

Suddenly, the steps I walked, the calories I burned, and the length of time l spent working out was so ridiculously specific and overwhelming.

It was as though l had an invasive personal trainer tattoo the words "you're not doing enough" onto my left wrist.

One night l literally spent half an hour walking around my tiny apartment so l could make sure my step count exceeded 10,000 steps.

At the time I blindly believed this goal the watch had set me because the media told me it was the magic number needed for peak fitness to be achieved.

There were days l couldn't leave the gym until my tracked workout exceeded 45 minutes and honestly, most of the time l didn't even know what l was doing.

I remember one day, completely by accident, I saw l burned over 500 calories.

It was the most elated I had been in months.

Due to Covid-19 lockdowns, Charlotte Howard couldn't exercise at the gym.

Slowly but surely this was compounded by only eating certain foods, drinking clear liquids, and substituting days without exercise with restricting food intake.

l would receive frequent validation from my loved ones who exclaimed things like "you look so good!" and "I wish l was as healthy and active as you."

l can distinctly remember showing a picture comparing my weight before my relationship to a few months in and my girlfriend at the time responding with a very casual "you're welcome."

l was the fittest, thinnest and most controlled l had ever been… and at the same time, l was the least healthy and happy l had ever been.

Eventually the relationship ended, but the smartwatch legacy remained.

Then came the COVID-19 lockdown.

As someone with fairly serious asthma, running outdoors in winter literally leaves me gasping for air.

I knew this already when I tried to go for a run one evening during the early days of lockdown, and, as expected, returned home after 10 minutes, panicked and unable to catch my breath.

Despite this, I tried again for the next three days (and got exactly the same result).

So instead, I started going for long monotonous walks and doing workouts in my spare room.

I honestly hate working out, so spending most of my spare time working out in my tiny apartment that was supposed to be my space of solace literally destroyed me.

I couldn't just track 45 minutes with my electronic personal trainer anymore either because without running, that wasn't good enough.

On top of that, just before lockdown I started dating one of my best friends who happened to be a feeder.

His entire love language was cooking food and watching me eat as though his life depended on it.

He was my bubble.

And I couldn't let him find out about the "other" toxic relationship I was having with my smartwatch.

So instead, I ate the food he made and thought, "I'll make up for it later."

But the number on my smartwatch was never enough.

I couldn't do enough.

It took about three weeks for my mental health to totally and utterly deteriorate.

I sat on my couch one morning and cried for an hour before doing the only thing I knew might pull me through - I called my mum.

My brain went into auto pilot as my mum directed me to immediately see a doctor, get a COVID test and go stay with her.

I was restarted on anti-anxiety medication and got referred to a psychologist.

It took three weeks of being looked after at mums before I could bring myself to go back to my apartment.

Since giving up her smartwatch Charlotte has been able to enjoy food again.

Through all of this, my logical brain knew all the facts.

I knew that since the 1920s thin bodies have been idealised as the peak representation of youthful, beautiful, and most recently, healthy.

I knew I was compelled by social media to do endless workouts in an attempt to get unrealistic abdominal definition and a perky butt.

To go for outdoor walks, eat acai bowls, and drink low calorie seltzers so I could still have 'fun' while living my healthiest life.

All while making sure I walked 10,000 steps a day - which, by the way, is in no way an evidence-based amount of steps to do in order to reach the ever elusive peak health we all strive for.

It's as though we all suddenly began to consider the importance of physical health and made a tenuous association with the already well-established idealisation of thin bodies to produce yet another unrealistic idealisation to wreak havoc on our collective sense of self.

And I knew all this, but my anxiety didn't - neither did my smartwatch.

After the lockdown (and a few therapy sessions), I found myself a human personal trainer.

I worked out way less and the numbers on my smartwatch became less important.

Eventually I stopped wearing it and recently, l sold it.

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Since the departure of my degrading wrist demon, I have started drinking wine again.

A long lost comforting love that has always brought joy when paired with food and gossip.

I also bought jeans that fit (even when I'm bloated).

Now I actually enjoy myself when I go out to dinner instead of being preoccupied by how tight my jeans get or what my stomach might look like when I stand up after finishing my meal.

Do I still feel guilty for over ordering at McDonalds? You betcha.

Do I have an invasive personal trainer attached to my wrist validating that guilt? No I do not!

I deserve happiness and it's okay for that happiness to include missing workouts and eating cheeseburgers… and nuggets... and drinking alcohol that doesn't just taste like water.

So goodbye, demonic digital personal trainer! I do not and will not miss you.

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Five Things Someone With Anxiety Wants You To Know

I had my first panic attack at thirteen.

I remember it with haunting clarity – the tightness in my chest, the feeling simultaneously of not being able to breath and of breathing too much, too fast. There was a sensation like a vice squeezing around my head. There were tingles in my hands and fingers. And there was fear – fear of not knowing what was happening, if I was dying, if my brain was going to explode, if I was going to pass out –

When I say to people that I have generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), some of them nod, “oh yeah, I get anxious all the time,” they say. And maybe they do – maybe they’re also sufferers of anxiety.

But most of the time, the anxiety that they’re referring to is the normal level. Anxiety, in small doses, is a part of being human; it’s a natural response to stressful situations. Got a job interview coming up? Anxious. Waiting on news from the doctor? Anxious. Trying to change lanes on a busy freeway with your exit coming up but no one letting you in and cars everywhere??? Yeah, anxious.

But the difference between this anxiety and the anxiety that people with an anxiety disorder live with is vast – there doesn’t need to be a busy dual carriageway at peak hour or frowning HR person firing interview questions at you to feel anxious when you have an anxiety disorder. Sometimes all you need is to wake up in the morning.

The world is filled with misconceptions about anxiety disorders – so here’s a few things that I, an anxiety disorder sufferer, want you to know:

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1. Everyone’s method of coping with a panic attack is different

“Dr Google” defines a panic attack as a sudden episode of intense fear or anxiety and physical symptoms, based on a perceived threat rather than actual imminent danger. This definition is far more concise and helpful then mine, which is just “a panic attack is fucking awful, 0/10 don’t recommend.”

Dr Google can be quite helpful in understanding the mechanics of panic attacks, but what I would warn people against is looking up “how to help someone through a panic attack.”

Now obviously I’m not talking about frantic googling of what to do in heat of the moment of someone you don’t know succumbing to anxiety – what I’m talking about is if someone you love has opened up and said, “hey, I get panic attacks.” Because, rather than relying on Dr Google, what I recommend you do here is ask a simple question, “what works best to help you through and after a panic attack?”

The simple fact is that everyone copes differently with a panic attack. Some people can’t bear to be touched; others need to be. Some people need you to be quiet, others need a stream of inane chatter as a distraction. Some need a shock of cold water to their skin; others might need to be bundled into a weighted blanket.

So, if you want to be there for someone who suffers from panic attacks, the best thing is to just ask them how to do it.

2. There’s not always a reason for the anxiety

You know that scene in the Avengers movie when someone asks the Hulk to get angry and he says something like, “that’s my secret – I’m always angry.” Well, that’s me and a lot of other anxiety sufferers – we are always anxious.

There is continually a low-level thrum of worry in the background – it’s like the music of cicadas in the Australian summer. It's always there, and sometimes you don’t notice, but then your attention will be brought back to it and you’ll wonder how you ever ignored it because it’s all you can hear and all you can think about.

And there’s not always a reason.

As I said before, sometimes I wake up and simply… feel anxious. I won’t be able to articulate why, I will just recognise that my chest is a little tighter and the anxiety I live with is so much more pronounced.

Unfortunately, the reality of an anxiety disorder is that we can’t always tell you what is worrying us. It’s everything and it’s nothing.

I know this frustrates those with “fix-it” type personalities who just want to make the problem go away. But pushing for us to try and locate a root for the fluttering of our heart in our chest is only going to make that beating go a little faster.

Basically, you pushing us about why we feel anxious, is making us more anxious.

So, the best advice I can give? Just be there for us. Ask what we need, if anything, give us a hug (if we want one) and feel grateful that we’re comfortable enough to articulate our unfounded anxiety without fear of being judged by you. That’s pretty great.

Shows like This Is Us, Big Mouth and Sex Education do a great job in showcasing the effects of anxiety. Source: IMDB

3. Ask about anxiety triggers

So, there’s not always a reason for anxiety, yes, but there can be certain triggers.

Some people cannot stand crowds and might even be triggered by a busy shopping centre. For me, I can get triggered when I’m overheated or if I feel nauseous to the point of thinking I might vomit. As you can see, some triggers are weirdly specific.

If you ask about them, those weirdly specific ones that can be avoided (like, don’t invite me to sun bake in direct heat for four hours I guess?) or at least you can both be mentally prepared to deal with potential anxiety flare-ups if you know you’re entering a situation where triggers exist.

4. Be careful with your words (like never say “we need to talk” okay?)

I feel like the idea of being careful of what you say is universal (thinking about the impact of your words on other people is a basic cornerstone of being a decent human being).

But that being said, people with anxiety are often overthinkers. I, for example, can spend a good hour obsessing over the words “yeah sure” sent to me by someone I love (where is the emoji? Are they mad at me? Do they actually mean “no fuck off”? Are they about to cut me out of their life forever?) When my boss schedules a meeting out of the blue for me I automatically assume I’m about to be fired. Someone says “love you” rather than “I love you” – why did they leave the “I” off? Was that intentional? Is the love lessening?

You get the idea.

It can be the default for someone with anxiety to go to the “worst case scenario” and offhanded comments can trigger anxiety spirals. I’m not saying you need to walk on eggshells around people with anxiety, I’m just saying it’s worth rereading that text you sent or calming a snappish tone that is directed more at the person who cut you off driving fifteen minutes ago then the anxious person you’ve just walked in the door to.

5. Have patience

This brings me to my final point, and, to me, the most important. A while back, my therapist asked me why I felt so hesitant in sharing the details of my anxiety with my boyfriend. I told her that I was worried I would seem like I was hard work. That dealing with my anxiety disorder would be exhausting. “So?” my therapist said. “So, what if it is? Don’t you think you’re worth it?”

I immediately broke down.

Because, the thing is, at the time, I didn’t think I was worth it. Now, I have come leaps and bounds in my self-worth and while I still struggle with this, I recognise that I’m not any less deserving of love because I suffer from a mental illness.

I also recognise that I require a little bit more patience and understanding because I get into my head, I spiral, I have panic attacks, I say to my partner I can’t socialise because I feel too anxious, I get overwhelmed, I cry. For my friends, I might vanish for a while, then be too scared to reach out because I’ll be convinced you hate me. I will overthink and overanalyse.

So my final point is asking that you have a little patience for the people in your life with anxiety. Take the time to recognise that anxiety disorders are real and sufferers are not just people who are “too sensitive.” We can’t be cured by telling us to “be less anxious.” Saying “you have nothing to be anxious about in your life though?” isn’t some eye-opening statement uncovering something we’ve never thought of before – it’s just a sentence that makes us feel bad and guilty over something we can’t control.

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As I wrote this, I thought to myself, someone is going to read this and think “what a headache to live with.” It momentarily stopped me, my fingers poised on my laptop, a flash of fear in my stomach. But I’ve realised the people who will read this are people who want to know; they want to understand either themselves or someone in their life.

My experiences of anxiety are unique to myself and not everything I’ve said will apply to other people, but hopefully it can help to open a dialogue, and that’s the most important part.

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An Honest Review of Five Different Alcohol-Free Drinks

There are a lot of non-alcoholic beer, wines, ciders, and spirits on the market at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, this is a good thing – especially given that not too long ago your non-alcoholic options when you went to a bar were a $17 mocktail that’s basically expensive juice, a soft drink or “I dunno, we have water I guess?”

But the extensive and ever-expanding range can be overwhelming, and it can be hard to know which ones are any good.

Enter myself, Shaeden, and my two volunteer taste testers – Kat and Jess. Whilst I am sober, Kat and Jess still drink alcohol, but were happy to forgo the burn of the booze for the day to help me out. We taste-tasted and reviewed five different non-alcoholic drinks, each chosen at random by me from the bottle-shop and local markets. I avoided non-alcoholic beers, as I feel that most sober people have already tried those and might be hankering for some variety!

Here's our reviews:**

1. Hills Non-Alcoholic Apple Cider

First on the menu was Hills Non-Alcoholic Apple Cider. As a big cider fan in my drinking days, I was excited to taste this one. I also hadn’t seen non-alcoholic cider before; however, as we took our first sips, it became apparently there might be a reason for this:

Shaeden - This tastes like something I would have with breakfast. It’s so sweet! This is literally just expensive, sparkling apple juice.

Jess – It’s lacking a sour edge; I think if they’d added a bit of sourness, it would make it taste a little more like actual cider. There’s 45grams of sugar in it… no wonder it’s so sweet.

Kat – It reminds me of what we drink in Germany during the fall. I think it’s nice!

The consensus? A little bit too sweet for all of us. I could hardly finish one bottle without feeling a little sickly at the saccharine taste and couldn’t imagine taking a six pack to drink at a barbeque somewhere. Jess suggested it would taste nice with some vodka in it, but I reminded her that would defeat the purpose.

Overall – 3/5 stars.

2. Clean and Healthy Living Non-Alcoholic Sauvignon Blanc Wine

The next on the list was Clean and Healthy Living Non-Alcoholic Sauvignon Blanc Wine. I’ve tried the Merlot version of this brand before and was extremely impressed with how closely it resembled actual wine, complete with that dry mouth feel afterwards, so I was eager to see if the white wine was similarly of a high standard.

Shaeden – Very light, very crisp. This genuinely reminds me of drinking an actual glass of wine to the point where I’m slightly concerned and want to keep checking the label to reassure myself that yep, its alcohol free. Definitely can see myself drinking this in summer.

Jess – I can taste a little more sweetness than alcoholic white wine, and there is a bit of a weird after-taste. But it’s very light; it’s almost like water going down. This would make a nice base for a non-alcoholic sangria.

Kat – It’s very easy to drink, I could see a few glasses going down easily. I like it; you can’t really tell its non-alcoholic at all.

Our review? Light, easy to drink, with a perfect hint of dryness (which is not easy to get with alcohol-free wines, which can tend towards being extremely sweet). A definite recommend for when the weather heats up.

Overall – 4.5/5

3. Natureo Grenache Shiraz 2020

Continuing with the wines, the next up was Natureo Shiraz. Red wine was another of my favourites when I was drinking, but I’ve found that most alcohol-free red wines taste like warm Ribena. I’ve seen this brand around the place quite a lot, so I was excited to try it out. Unfortunately, the results were not good.

Shaeden – It tastes like nothing. I can’t taste a thing. I’d ask if this was water dyed red, but I feel like water has more flavour than this.

Jess – It smells like berries, but it tastes like vinegar. Maybe if you created a mulled wine with it and added orange juice and spices it might be okay?

Kat – This is just vinegar, right? You’re pranking us and just poured vinegar into the glass?

The consensus was not good. Unfortunately, in this instance, none of us could finish the glass we poured. Whilst I could taste nothing, the other two seemed to agree the flavour was a distinctly unpalatable vinegary one.

Overall: 1/5

4. Lyre's Non-Alcoholic Amaretti

It was time for the one that, I won’t lie, we were all looking forward to. There was something about the golden liquid in the bottle that seemed so damn appealing. When we popped the lid, we were greeted with a delicious marzipan smell. We decided on the rocks was the way to go to try this one.

Shaeden – This reminds me of dessert wine! Tastes almost a bit like caramel as well. It’s odd though; I keep expecting the burn of alcohol with it and I feel like I almost miss it. I expected this to warm me from the inside but it’s like it doesn’t quite hit the spot.

Jess – I think it’s the texture; it’s quite watery and thin and you expect from looking at it that it might be thick or syrupy. It doesn’t taste distilled, or even like a “fake spirit.” I would drink it, but I think in maybe a cocktail or something.

Kat – Add it to hot apple juice! It would taste like the perfect fall drink, I think. It reminds me of drinks in Germany. It is a bit thin, but it’s tasty. I love it.

The sweetness wasn’t imagined by us; there is about a teaspoon of sugar per serving, so it’s not the healthiest of options. The consensus seemed to be that it might be a good base for a night-cap drink on a winter’s night. The almost “dessert-like” taste made it feel like it would be more of a “sometimes treat” sort of drink, and not something you’d reach for regularly or bring as your own non-alcoholic drink for an event.

Overall – 4/5

5. Seedlip Grove Non-Alcoholic Spirit (Citrus)

The final drink was another spirit, but we mixed this one with tonic water for our taste-test. The product is described as having blood-orange undertones, with a ginger and lemongrass finish. I’ve had non-alcoholic gin and tonics before, usually of the premade variety, so I was interested to see how the spirit measured up.

Shaeden – It tastes just like a gin and tonic. The flavour is subtle though; I can tell there’s a hint of something else aside from just tonic water, but it’s not particularly strong.

Jess – I can taste the citrus, but you’re right, it’s not very strong. The smell from the bottle reminds me of an alcoholic spirit so I did think it would be more powerful. I can tell I’m drinking something more than tonic at least.

Kat – I’m picking up on elderflower? Am I just imagining that? I wonder if we’d had it with soda water if we’d be able to taste it more?

With the consensus seeming to be that none of us could really taste the flavour too strongly, a suggestion was jokingly made for someone to take a shot of it. I’m nothing if not committed when it comes to an article, so I volunteered myself, with Jess photographing and nicely capturing the point afterwards where I stared into the void regretting my decision.

It wasn’t bad – especially as my body had been braced for the burn of alcohol, which obviously didn’t come. But it did taste distinctly earthy – in fact, the ineloquent “grassy” came out in the immediate aftermath, which I didn’t think sounded as good, but I looked up the product on the website and lo and behold; “a stalky, grassy character.” Perhaps I do have a career in non-alcoholic taste testing after all.

Despite the subtleness of the flavour, it wasn’t a bad-tasting drink, and I could see it being quite versatile for making cocktails.

Overall – 3.5/5

So, there you have it folks, a little breakdown of some of the non-alcoholic drinks on the market. Bear in mind these are our opinions only, but hopefully this helps you with choosing a few for yourself and maybe encourages you to try a few new ones too!

Cheers and happy (alcohol-free) drinking!

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**Disclaimer – some non-alcoholic drinks still contain 0.5% alcohol – this is due to the fermentation process. I’ve done my own research into this, including into several studies that have looked at the levels of naturally occurring alcoholic content in everyday food items, and have concluded that, for myself, I am okay with drinking non-alcoholic drinks containing less than 0.5% alcohol. However, I recognise not everyone is okay with this, so please use your own discretion)

For more from Shaeden Berry, you can find her on Instagram @berrywellthanks

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